she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
