I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
