I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
