shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
