made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize