On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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