Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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