birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
