Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
