i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
