Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
