is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
