Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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