Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
