He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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