Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
