the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Damn victory sex feels great
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
