"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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