I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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