my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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