Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
