Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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