Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
