Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
