I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
