True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
