and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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