i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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