my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Less talking, more tequila
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
