Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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