I'm gonna have a badass scar
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My balls are so social today.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
