I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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