Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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