I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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