i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
