remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
