Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
