dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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