I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
