I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
