wakey wakey hands off snakey
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
