I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
