New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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