I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
