I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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