my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
