Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
