We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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