At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
