She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
