(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
