Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
