Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We talked him into tasing himself.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
