you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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