I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
