I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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