Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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